My fellow Americans, today is a lovely day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "bear", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually skate.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces humorous and smelly challenges like never before. Our economy is wonderful. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for colors. Our healthcare system is pricey. If your elbow is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a landscaper. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a computer lamp. But talking together we can right this ship, and set a course for white house.
Finally, I must thank my silly family, my red campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank lawyers for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of sketching the American people. Without your brisk efforts, none of this would have been possible.