Watering a Christmas Tree is Easy

Step 1: be sick, and stay home from work because you don't want to cough all over everyone.

Step 2: get way down low on the floor, water bottle in hand. reach for the tree stand with your bottle'd hand.

Step 3: knock your tree over.



Step 4: cry and hyperventilate because this has never happened to you before. Maybe call your husband in hysterics because you got scared and also you're sad that you broke some of your favorite ornaments.

Step 5: get the tree back up, as much as you can manage. It will probably look like a mess. There might be water all over the floor. There will definitely be broken glass and tin and whatever else ornaments are made out of all over the floor still. Give up on any further cleaning for a while, instead retreating to the couch and your blanket and Gilmore Girls.



Step 6: take another picture, once you've cleaned up the broken ornaments and pine needles and pools of water, and vacuumed the floor with the Shark vacuum you received at BlogHer 2015. Hey, thanks, Shark! Great job!



Step 7: wait until your husband returns from work and can help you straighten the tree, because it is most definitely a two-person job. remember how you spent 30 minutes doing this the night you bought the tree - because oops, turns out the tree is actually crooked and the tree stand needs to be propped up by books on one side.

Step 8: get the tree to be upright, and redecorate. turn on the lights so it feels less sad. redo all the beads, some of the lights, and approximately 20 ornaments.



Step 9: decide not to worry about the rug, which is still a little disheveled, or the tree skirt, which is still hanging over a door to dry. decide to instead just be happy that your tree is standing again.

Step 10: remember how happy you are that you hired a cleaner this morning to sweep and mop the floors, so that you weren't crawling around in post-party stickiness and residue - just Christmas tree shrapnel.

Happy Holidays to you all. Here's a picture of our multi-denominal decorations back when it was still Chanukkah, featuring our friend Zack at the piano.

Happy Purim!

The wonderful Jewish holiday of Purim is on Saturday! It's one of my favorites, so I thought I'd share a little bit about it. Big thanks to my girl Stephanie Nudelman out in NYC for being my "second pair of Jew eyes" to proofread this for typos and accuracy.

What is Purim?

Literally, the word "Purim" means "Lots", which is kind of morbid, because Haman (the bad guy) cast lots (aka choosing by lottery) to randomly pick a date to destroy the Jews. What a cool guy. More on that here from a sweet rabbi with an animated video.

But you didn't want a definition, you wanted to know what this holiday is all about. Well, like most Jewish holidays, it's about celebrating how we didn't die when someone wanted to destroy us. Fun! You may have heard the old adage, "They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat!" -- it's pretty accurate.

So what's Purim all about? Imma break it down for you, easy peasy. Story Time!

Purim is a super sick feminist story from the biblical book of Esther. Esther was this hottie Persian Jew, living with her cousin Mordecai who happened to be the de facto Leader of the Jews. Nice cousin! The King was lookin' for a wife because his old wife Vashti wouldn't strip for his friends when he was like, "you're hot, I wanna show you off", and thus was sent to be beheaded (thanks to Stephanie for reminding me about that fun fact)...so with Vashti out of the way, he had everyone get together for a Parade Of Potential Harem Ladies. Mordecai was like, "Yo, E! You should go out for that parade! You're beautiful, and you're also super smart so maybe you'd bring some diversity to that harem!" - she paraded, and the King thought she was the Most Pretty Lady In Persia. Esther joined his harem, which, at the time, was a pretty good gig for a lady. Anyway, the King loved Esther more than everyone else, not knowing that she was a secret Jew (she had to keep it a secret because not everyone in that castle was pro-Jew), because she was basically all-around awesome and smart...in addition to being hot.

Beauty and Brains!
Classic!

After Esther became Queen of the Harem (and basically, Persia), Mordechai overheard some of the King's men talking about assassinating the king. He reported them, and the traitors were hanged. This is important later...

Meanwhile, there's this bad guy named Haman. He wears a 3-pointed hat, is the advisor to the king, and is generally just an egomaniacal, anti-semitic a-hole. Think Jafar from Aladdin. He hates Mordecai because he won't bow down to Haman...and Haman's the type to hold a grudge. So what does he do? He vows to destroy the Jewish people. He picks March 13*, a random day (by casting lots, remember?) and is like, "Yo King. The Jews are totally different from us, and they follow different religious laws, and (even though we've been living peacefully forevah) we should get rid of them." The King was not the brightest crayon in the box, and he was like, "ok, whatever you say, Haman, you're my advisor and I totally trust you." 

Mordecai was like, "ESTHER! YOUR 'BOYFRIEND' IS GONNA LET HAMAN KILL US. YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOUR FAMILY! GO TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM PLEASE! STAND UP AND SAVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE" Esther was like, "uhhh if I go talk to him without being summoned, he might kill me, because that's the way things work around this harem, but...this is serious, and I'm a badass, so ok."

Meanwhile, the King was having trouble sleeping (maybe because he'd agreed to exterminate a people? probably not...) -- he had his servants to read to him some recent Chronicles, which included the bit about how Mordecai saved the King's life. The King was horrified to learn that Mordecai hadn't been rewarded for this deed yet, and asked Haman how he should reward someone who the King wants to honor. Haman, who had been on his way to ask the King to hang Mordecai (because grudge-holding), thought the King was talking about him, so he was all "bestow the finest honors, put him in royal robes and parade him around the kingdom!" The King was all, "KEWL, THX, go get that started for Mordecai!"  OOOH SORRY HAMAN!

Haman, leading Mordecai around town.

Anyhoo, that happened, and meanwhile Esther had been fasting for three days to pray and mentally prepare herself to ask the King not to kill the Jews. She bravely went to see him even though she hadn't been summoned, and he was like, "Oh, Esther, I love you, you can come see me anytime!" To which Esther replied, "Really? Cool. So about that...I maybe forgot to tell you that I'm actually Jewish? And remember when you told Haman he could kill the Jews? Hey, don't let Haman kill me and my people." The king loved her so much that he didn't want her to die, plus he was pissed because he liked Mordecai now too, so he hanged Haman (and his 10 sons, just in case) on the gallows Haman had built for Mordecai.  [cue Alanis Morissette]  Mordecai became Prime Minister and Esther was awarded Haman's estate. Aaaaaaand the King reversed Haman's decree, and the Jews of Shushan (in Persia) were saved!

How do we celebrate?

This year we celebrate on March 15*, the day after Haman's intended Jew-Destruction-Day, because that's when the Jews celebrated way back when Esther saved them. 

The main requirement of Purim Celebration is telling the story of Esther. Which I just told you! Commandment: Fulfilled! During the telling, you're supposed to boo, hiss, make noise with noisemakers whenever Haman's name is mentioned, to "blot out the name of Haman". Along with storytelling, the other commandment is to eat, drink, and be merry...according to the Talmud (the interpretation of the Torah), we are required to drink "until you cannot tell the difference between 'cursed be Haman' and 'blessed be Mordecai'" -- whatever that means for you. Unless you're a recovering alcoholic, or you just don't drink in which case you are exempted from this commandment.

Ain't no party like a Purim party!

We also are commanded to give gifts of food or drink and/or make gifts to charity. A common food-gift is Hamentaschen, a triangular-shaped cookie meant to resemble Haman's 3-cornered hat. Some people fast before Purim, to commemorate Esther's fast. Other common celebrations include parades, performing parodies/plays of the story, holding beauty contests (although Esther was a strong, brave woman who saved her people...the king chose her because she was beautiful)

Delicious, delicious evil jam hats!

*Technically, we celebrate on the 14th day of Adar, which is a month in the Jewish calendar, and it's too complicated to explain here...so just know that Purim is usually in March.

You're Right! Purim is fun!

Yup. Thanks for reading! See also: this video by The Maccabeats, which (kind of) tells the story of Purim.

<3 Kim

Queen Bey as Queen Esther

Presenting...The Lincolnsaber

My friend Nick is having a rough day, and posted the following on Facebook: "Someone photoshop a picture of Abraham Lincoln with a lightsaber for me, please. That's the only thing that could cheer me up today."

Ok, Nick. I accept your challenge. I'm always looking for quick exercises to improve my Photoshop skills, and if I can cheer up a friend in the meantime, well then it's a double-win (not to be confused with a double-rainbow). This wasn't particularly challenging, as the lightsaber was already available as a free .psd file, but it was fun to make!

I liked the results so much that I decided to share them with the rest of the internet - or the slice of internet that reads my little blog, anyway. Enjoy. I hope this brightens your Thursday.

Lincolnsaber

Legalish Note: Both images (Lincoln and Lightsaber) are from Google Images - I do not in any way mean to harm the original posters of the photos, nor will I be profiting from these images. Just trying to make a friend smile. :)

Ed note: Nick just emailed me with the following photo. Do you have your own Lincolnsaber photo to share? Link it in the comments!

Just, um, oy.

I don't know if any of you have been following/paying attention to/unable to avoid the Carrie Prejean drama. The former Miss California, whom I believe is a disgrace to this fine state-o-mine, has been finding herself in a whopping mess of trouble ever since she told Perez Hilton that she was against gay marriage (during her Q&A portion of the Miss America pageant, in case you didn't know).

For the latest, click here (video and article about video). The video is almost too much to bear. But worth watching.

Can't her 15 minutes be up already? Jeez. I almost feel like I shouldn't write anything, because even mentioning her on my tiny little blog is giving her attention she shouldn't be getting. Alas, I could not resist sharing the video.

What? I mean, What???

Warning: I use the s-h-i-t word in this post. Get over it.

So, in case you haven't heard, Justin of "Shit My Dad Says" is getting a TV show. Wait. That doesn't provide enough explanation to elicit the "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?" response I was looking for. So here's the story (as far as I know it anyway):

A 29-year old dude named Justin lives with his 73-year old dad. His dad says shit. Justin posts the shit his dad says to his Twitter account, aptly named ShitMyDadSays (www.twitter.com/shitmydadsays). Now he has a sitcom deal with CBS.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?

I mean, I'll admit that I am one of his 731,509 followers on Twitter, because yeah. That shit is funny. But do I think he deserves a TV show? Heck no. Maybe his dad does, but all this guy has done is capitalize on his dad's sense of humor. I guess you don't have to create the content, you just have to have the idea. And maybe I'm just jealous that I didn't think of it first (see Passive Aggressive Notes, Spam is Poetry - also here), but come on. Really. Seriously. Wow.

It's all over the internet if you don't believe me (because if it's on the internet, it's true). Oh, and I was going to say "Is getting a TV show from your Twitter account the new getting a book deal from your blog?" - you know, all snarky-like - but then I read that he is also getting a book deal.

Seriously. This sounds like an Onion article to me. But it's true. So, so, so very true. Unless it's a big ole hoax - is it April Fools Day yet?

I think this absolutely falls under the label called 'ridiculous' on this here blog. Oof. Seriously. I cannot wrap my head around this ridiculosity.

Free Snuggie?

I may or may not have ordered myself a free Snuggie. Hey...it's free! From what I have gathered, you have to sign up for their mailing list (big whoop), and I'm sure it will result in some spam (but I have a great spam filter - thanks, Gmail!), and I also heard that after you receive it, you may be asked to do a survey over the phone. These are all things I can deal with in order to receive a free blanket with sleeves.

It's supposed to take up to 6 weeks to arrive, so I may not be reporting on my awesome free Snuggie for a while, but I'll definitely let you know what happens.

Walk Everywhere, Park Nowhere.

So, y'all know I love to browse apartment listings, even though I do not want to move no siree not right now not for a while oh lord I hate to move. Moving sucks.

This listing was so good (confusing) that I had to share. Because the listing will eventually expire on Craigslist, I will copy-paste it for you. Here it is, in all its glory. There are too many amazing (awful) things for me to list my favorites...please leave your favs in the comments!

$1400 / 2br - 2nd Floor Apt. on College Ave. Walk Everywhere, Park Nowhere. (oakland rockridge / claremont) (map)

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Date: 2009-10-20, 8:46PM PDT
Reply to: hous-xcx7f-1430748728@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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This unit has undergone recent renovations including painting, floor refinishing, drapes and some new windows. The location is right on College Avenue, so there is noise associated with traffic and neighborhood businesses, including a tavern. Additionally, parking is often difficult to find. The apartment features Oak floors and wood moldings. This building was constructed in 1908, so it has some anomalies found in older construction . There is a water heater in the kitchen and electrical outlets are few and often not grounded. There is a single natural gas wall furnace in the living room. Too many electric heaters and a fuse will blow. The apartment occupants downstairs moved in an exuberant dog which now owns the back yard. There is a small deck which has a view of a concrete block wall. Also, despite the difficult economic environment, you will need to pay rent, deposit of one months rent, $700 damage deposit (refundable). Two person may live here, but no pets of any kind including fish.


College Ave at Bryant (google map) (yahoo map)

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Hot or Not?

Pottery Barn wine bottle chandelier. Hot or not?

Personally, I think it's a little ridiculous.

Ridiculous(ly awesome)

I went to www.pandora.com this morning, and Christian was pointing at me. He has a new web series; it's pretty funny, and mostly unscripted. Check it out!

Magic Princess!

Guys, I think I may have found the perfect job. Check out the Craigslist post while it lasts. If it's not up anymore, here are a few choice selections from the job posting.

"AWESOME princess transformative training"

"[The boss] is totally straight up & is a cool creative guru: killer slam poet, songwriter and painter."

"You can relocate from one Kingdom to the other (we have one in LA) and can live/move within your kingdom"

"If this culture feels like a good fit (i.e. you are a burning man type or maybe own some fairy wings of your own) that's what we're looking for. Bring your creativity where it will flourish!"

Oh yes, it looks lovely! I'm more of a 9-5, steady paycheck, desk job kinda girl, but I have a few friends who would probably really love to do something like this. My mom thought it sounded like a good idea...I believe her exact words were "You would get to act!" :-) Thanks mom, but I don't really want to be a princess.

I couldn't help checking out their website, www.magicprincess.com, and I highly suggest you do the same. It's full of sparkles, I'll give 'em that! I wonder though, if some of their characters border on copyright infringement? I don't know what the rules are for this sort of thing, and I'm sure it's fairly standard on the Birthday Princess circuit, but the pictures made me giggle a bit.

She comes with her own Disney-trademarked accessory!

Doesn't look trademarked* but omg guys.
*she teaches magic at the famous Wizard school? Which famous Wizard school? Shmogwarts?

Check out the awesome horse! Totally Not Photoshopped!

There's something awkward about this...

*If you "Click for note" (in the previous two images) it takes you here, where you can be assured that your blonde princess will "DEFINATELY" [sic] be as blonde as possible*

And last, but certainly not least...

This "Adventure Girl" looks strikingly similar to a one Dora the Explorer. Please note the accessories, which I believe are named Map, Backpack, and Boots (the monkey). I am not ashamed to know this.

"Oh no! My identity has been stolen!"

Speaking of Crazy...

American Apparel cracks me up. This is ridiculous. Because nothing says comfy for pregnant ladies like a UNITARD. Have the American Apparel people not heard that pregnant ladies have to pee a lot? Or maybe that they might not like the constrictedness of a unitard? Damn, I don't even like wearing unitards now, and I'm not preggers. Eesh! I thought his was so bizarre that I created an entirely new tag, simply called "ridiculous." I'm sure I'll find other things to put here, but for now...Yo Mama!

For all your stretching and lounging needs.

Because this is way more comfortable than baggy sweatpants and a tank top.

This is what happened when I tried to take a screen shot as the image changed on the website. I think it looks cool. The picture, not the uni.