Time feels like it's catching up with me lately. I don't mean that there aren't enough hours in the day (though there aren't), or that I feel stressed and rushed (I don't, really), but I do feel like WHOA. All of a sudden (sort of as of several months ago) I am 25. Isn't this that age where you're supposed to be figuring things out? My mind is a sort of jumble of thoughts and things, and I'm going to try to make it all make sense out here. Maybe you can help. I'm going to divide it into the two sections of What's On My Crazy Mind Right Now: Career and Babies. Two things all women deal with in some capacity at some point in their lives. Whether you want babies or not, and whether your career is being a mommy or a CEO, I think it's safe to say that the Career and/versus/or Babies...thing...is something all women take into consideration at a certain age. And no, this isn't a post about whether to have babies or a career or both...it just happens to focus on those two topics. Separately. But equally. Sort of.
Career (TOPIC 1):
I don't know what career path I want to be following, but I feel like this is the time where I'm supposed to be finding that path and starting out along, skipping with my lunch pail. I know that I don't want to be a career assistant, and that at some point, I have to start climbing the proverbial ladder. And I want to. I don't want to keep bouncing around from "ok for now" job to "it's not my career, but it's a job" job. I don't want to be an assistant forever. I want to grow and develop myself as a person, an employee, a contributer to society.
I have an idea of what I want to do career-wise, and I'm starting to do some research as to what it takes to make it in that field, how I might go about gaining experience to end up there, etc. but at the same time, I like my current place of work. I like my coworkers, and I like the company, and it's all groovy here. Besides, I've only been here for 3.5 months - maybe there will be long-term career/growth potential here. Who knows? We shall see...but at the same time, I am a crazy overanalytical planner, and I like to have goals and deadlines and I like to know what I'm working towards. That is hard to do when you're 25 and unsure about what the future holds. That sounded very cheesy. What the future holds? What am I, a writer for Disney cartoons? Sigh. I just want to have an end result and be able to work towards it, slowly but surely.
When we are kids, we are always asked what we want to be when we grow up. And we're expected to give one answer. Fireman, ballerina, doctor, etc. No kid says "well, I want to be an farmer, and perhaps I'll go into teaching, and then I'll transition into being a publisher." Maybe it's because of this that I always operated under that misconception that you have A Career. Like, one. My mom has had A Career - she's been a teacher since before I was born. She loves teaching, and if you are lucky enough to have been a student or parent in her class, you know that she is an amazing teacher. My dad has had a few careers, but for most of my life, he's been in the same industry. I have friends whose parents have had several and drastically different careers. I have a lot of friends who, like me, don't have that One True Passion or Career Goal. I know there is no common path, no thing that everyone does. I know I have friends who will respond to this post saying "I'm in my 30's and I still don't know what my Career is." But I still wish there was some magical career counselor to guide me through finding a "forever" kind of job...Mom and Dad? What did I want to be when I Grew Up?
BABIES (TOPIC 2):
The biological clock is REAL, people. I used to laugh about it, like "oh ha ha, I like babies, biological clock tee hee hee" NO. NO JOKE, THIS THING IS REAL! It defies logic and reason (despite "logic" being right smack in the middle of of "biologic
al"), it doesn't listen to my bullet-pointed, fully rational arguments, and it most certainly has a mind of its own. Where did it come from?
I know a lot of people right now who are either pregnant or new parents, and I think this is significantly impacting my sudden (and undesirable) urge to procreate (except not). I know (I KNOW I KNOW) I don't want to have children right now. Not at all. My career is not at all stable (see point 1), I live in a tiny apartment (albeit with an awesome dude that I love very much), and I just have a lot of life I want to live before kids enter the picture (see: travel, and, um, living life without kids for a while). That was a lot of parenthesis. Sorry.
Anyway, I am fully aware that I don't want to have children in the next 5-10 years. But then I hold a 3-week old wee little thing, and all of a sudden I am awesome. Something just clicks, and I know what to do. The kid's mom actually called me "The Baby Whisperer" the other night. I get that warm, fuzzy feeling and can't help but think of how awesome it will be to have children. These hips were made to hold a baby, I tell you what!
Like I said, I know it's not time. Yesterday, I was all "babies babies babies" and today I'm all "babies are cute, but no way jose, not right now." Babies turn into kids turn into teenagers and once you're a parent, you're a parent for life. And I am soooo not ready for that. So for now, I'm taking my birth control pills like a good baby-free girl (so don't worry, mom), and reading mommyblogs
to satisfy this weird craving I have for babies. Cause this bio-illogical clock has made its presence known and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
CAREERS AND BABIES (CONCLUSIONS):
When it comes to the baby-factor, I think it's been on my mind because I know I want to be a mom someday. I know I'm going to be a great mom, and it's a definitive thing that I expect in my future. Is it cocky to say you know you're going to be a great mom? Because I do. I can't explain it, I just feel like it's something I'm going to be really good at. I could go on about my finer qualities, but the bottom line is, I just know that as a mom? I will kick butt. And someday, if the internet still exists, my kids can Google (or whatever it is then) me and find this, and be like, yeah. Our mom is awesome. And wow - she really is psychic, because look! She knew she'd be awesome at momming! And she totally is!
Anyway, on the opposite end of the spectrum...With my career, I don't really know what I want to do, or how to get there, or whether or not I'll even be good at it once I decide. Or how many times I can "start over" in different jobs/careers/whatever before I figure it out. Babies are easy in the sense that I know how to have them, and I know what to do when they come. I'm pretty sure that if the stork dropped a baby (and enough money to support it) in my lap tonight, I wouldn't screw it up. For the most part.
Careers are harder - there are infinitely more possibilities for ways things can go (right and wrong), it's a decision that affects mostly just me, and I don't know...it's more confusing to me. Maybe because there is more active planning, and it's all about me, and it's all my decision, and there is no set path to follow. Nobody to tell you what you're doing is going to (or not going to) screw up your life plan...it's not obvious. I mean, there are no definitive answers in parenthood either, but there is certainly a bit more, well, certainty I think, when it comes to how to raise a child. Or maybe I am just nuts and this is all in my head and raising a child is going to be crazy in unexpected ways and I will be terrible at it. (Just kidding, I'm gonna be awesome at it - just not for another 5-10 years)
Regardless...right now? Babies make sense to me. Planning a career is scary.
So I don't know if this all makes sense to any of you, but this little theory of babies taking over my mind because my career is so unpredictable to me made sense in the car on the way home last night. So I'm rolling with it. Because it makes sense to me. And this is my blog.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter(s) though, so weigh in if you would! If you've read this far, thank you. Wow.